


Get Me to the Church on Time!

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Marauders' Era, The Quidditch Pitch: School Days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-28
Updated: 2008-08-28
Packaged: 2018-10-26 12:43:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10786980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: Vernon Dursley's chipper mood on his wedding day doesn't last long.





	Get Me to the Church on Time!

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

Vernon Dursley burst into song as the limousine pulled away from the curb. 

 

 

_“I’m gettin’ married in the morning!_

_Ding Dong!  The bells are gonna chime._

_Pull out the stopper!  Let’s have a whopper!_

_But get me to the church on time!”_

 

           “You’re in a chipper mood today, mate,” the driver said, wincing at the off-key singing.

            

            “Right you are!” Vernon beamed, “I’m getting married to a wonderful girl.  She’s worked nonstop for months planning the wedding.  There’s no other reason I’d wear this getup!”  He gestured at his striped trousers and morning coat.

 

            He started on the second verse, causing the driver to wish desperately for some earplugs.

 

_“I gotta be there in the morning!_

_Spruced up and lookin’ in me prime._

_Girls, come and kiss me,_

_Show how much you’ll miss me._

_But get me to the church on time!”_

 

            Frowning, he stopped singing and thought uneasily about the events of last night.  He’d had a bit too much to drink at the rehearsal dinner.  Afterward, feeling randy, he’d tried to steal a kiss from the bridesmaid while his fiancée was in the loo.  He couldn’t understand why Petunia kept calling her sister a freak; he thought Lily was absolutely gorgeous.  It was almost a shame he hadn’t met her first, although she was only seventeen and far too young for him.  Lily had reluctantly submitted to his hug, but she jerked her head away when he tried to kiss her.  Vernon had then moved his hands down to cup her tight little ass.  Lily promptly shoved him away.

 

            “How dare you!” she hissed, her green eyes blazing angrily, “What do you think Petunia would say?”  
            

            “She’s not here, is she?” Vernon smirked, “Nothing wrong with a little brotherly hug.”

 

            “Not many brothers go around grabbing their sister’s bum,” Lily snapped.  “If you ever touch me again, Vernon, I’ll not only tell Petunia, but I’ll turn you in to the police.  How do you think your boss at Grunnings would like to read in the newspaper that one of his employees goes around groping underage girls?”

 

            Vernon had gasped and sputtered, then jumped guiltily as Petunia returned.  

 

            “What’s going on?” she demanded, her eyes darting from Vernon to Lily.

 

            “Nothing, Tuney,” Lily said coldly, “Vernon and I were just discussing his new job.  I hear Grunnings is a very old-fashioned company that expects its employees to behave decently.  Isn’t that right, Vernon?”

            “Er, ah, I suppose so,” Vernon stammered, “Come, Petunia, it’s time I took you home.”

 

            He had been unable to sleep, imagining what would happen if Lily really did tell on him.  When morning came, a hot shower and a good breakfast put an end to his worries.  Even if that little tart did say anything, it was her word against his.  He was beginning to see why Petunia didn’t care much for her sister.

 

            Feeling better, Vernon put everything he had into the last verse just as the limousine stopped in front of the church.

 

_“I’m gettin’ married in the morning!_

_Ding dong!  The bells are gonna chime!_

_Hail and salute me.  Then haul off and boot me!_

_And get me to the church, get me to the church,_

_For Gawd’s sakes, get me to the church on time!”_   
  


             As he stepped out of the car, settling his top hat securely on his head, he noticed a dark-haired young man standing on the sidewalk.  A large black dog sat next to him.  Vernon could have sworn they hadn’t been there a moment ago.  His lip curled in disgust as he compared the stranger’s ragged blue jeans and rumpled t-shirt to his own spotless attire.  The dog got up and a low growl issued from its throat as it looked straight at Vernon.  

 

            “Get that animal away from here!” Vernon snapped, quickening his steps to reach the safety of the church.  The young man began laughing as the dog lunged at Vernon, barking loudly as it chased him down the street.

 

            “Shoo!  Get away!” Vernon yelled over his shoulder, tripping and falling headlong into a block of freshly-poured cement.  The workmen, not bothering to hide their grins, assisted him to his feet.  Swearing loudly and wiping cement from his face, Vernon saw the dog run down an alley, carrying the top hat in its mouth.  The young man was nowhere to be seen as Vernon was helped back into the limousine and taken home to change clothes.  By the time he returned, many of the guests had grown tired of waiting and left.  Petunia was nearly hysterical, and Lily made no attempt to hide her amusement.  As soon as the ceremony was over, Lily dropped her bouquet into a wastebasket and left through a side door.  Much of the food at the reception went uneaten.  By the time the bridal couple stepped into the limousine to be driven to the airport, only a handful of guests remained to see them off.  

 

            “Our beautiful wedding, ruined!” Petunia wailed, “What happened to your mustache, Vernon?”

            

            “Full of cement.  I had to shave it off,” Vernon muttered, “My coat and trousers were ruined; the rental shop will charge me for them.  And that damned dog ran off with my hat!  Its owner should be put in prison.  Scruffy-looking young hoodlum!” 

            

            Petunia turned to him suddenly.

 

            “What did he look like?” she asked sharply.

 

            “I don’t know, Petunia, I was too busy trying to get away from his vicious animal!  Messy-looking hair and glasses.  Looked like he’d never worked a day in his life.”

 

            “Vernon, look!”

 

            Standing on the corner next to the church were three people – Lily, still wearing her bridesmaid dress, flanked by two dark-haired young men, one of them wearing glasses.  But it was the other young man that caught their attention because he was wearing Vernon’s top hat.  As the limousine drove past them, he raised the hat and bowed deeply in their direction.  Vernon had to physically restrain Petunia from leaping out of the moving vehicle.  She rolled down the window and thrust her head outside.

 

            “Bitch!” she screamed as the car turned the corner and vanished out of sight.

 

            “Thanks,” Lily said, standing on her tiptoes to give each young man a kiss on the cheek.

            

            “Any time,” Sirius Black grinned, “I’ve always wanted one of these hats.  It’ll look good with my dress robes, don’t you think?”

            

            “He’d better not ever touch you again,” James Potter muttered angrily.

 

            “Come on,” Lily said brightly, taking them by the arm, “Let’s get some food before the caterers take it away.  It’s a Muggle tradition that if a girl puts a piece of wedding cake under her pillow, she’ll dream about her future husband.”

            

            James grinned at her.

            

            “Brilliant,” he said, “Just make sure you dream about me.”

 

* * *


End file.
